I was recently able to watch the new Guy Ritchie film called The Gentlemen. Similar to pro wrestling, this movie is a fun, sexy, and violent romp (but not always plausible). It is packed with outrageously sadistic characters, plot twists, flashy costumes, homo-erotic sub-text — all of the elements you expect to see on your average rasslin program. At least it was something shiny and new to stare at for a couple hours that was outside of my usual four walls.
One scene in particular got my attention and made me think about pro wrestling. A gang of young thugs who call themselves the “Toddlers” and who train together at a boxing/MMA gym learn of a secret marijuana farm in their ‘hood. They decide to break in wearing ski masks, beat up the men working there, and steal some pot plants.
They also wore cameras so they could film the incident and edit it into a high energy rap video which they posted online where it quickly goes viral. Lo and behold, this 2-minute scene from The Gentlemen is available on YouTube if you want to go see what I’m referring to…
Some of the reasons I dig this scene:
- The Toddlers are uber-dominant and ruthless, easily overwhelming their outmatched victims. They’re like a stable of masked Heels who know all the best finishing moves so they can dominate any other men.
- Their rap lyrics (see below for the entire song) are wonderfully brutal and boastful, which tends to give me a boner. They sound like classic redneck Heels explaining exactly how they plan to punish and dismantle some future Golden-Boy opponents.
- They make violence seem fun and sexy — just like pro wrestling always does — singing and dancing and flipping in the air whilst also landing Face-Kicks and Leg-Drops on their helpless prey.
Also in their rhymes, they rattle off a series of classic pro wrestling moves that they love to utilize, which I suppose are MMA moves too (but were originally pro wrestling moves that turn me on.) Here are some of their best lines, along with some scenes from my old galleries that their lyrics evoke:
“Man’s head got cracked, and his legs went jelly. (Blaow!)”
Spinning Back Kick may take off your nose!
“Big Elbow to the top of the dome! (What?)”
“Your little Headlock can’t hurt me!”
“I’m fighting dirty, Jim!
“Man, I’ll Head-Butt him (yeah!)”
Several characters in the film refer to the Toddler’s rap video as “Fight Porn.” That got me thinking about the term “Fight Porn” — surely they don’t mean Wrestle Porn, right? I tried to Google the term Fight Porn, and for the most part, that brought up preachy websites describing how to prevent and cure porn addiction — not at all what I wanted.
However, I did find a Reddit group called r/fightporn where thousands of people upload videos, mostly from their cell phones, of violent and clumsy street fights they’ve witnessed. This must be what is really meant by the term “Fight Porn” — but I sure didn’t find this version of Fight Porn to be a turn-on like my beloved pro wrestling. Maybe some people jerk off to it, who am I to judge when I get off on men in colorful spandex playing grab ass in a ring?
To me, this bareknuckles version of “Fight Porn” on Reddit is too violent and real to be a turn-on. They’re really trying to hurt each other, not just playing out S&M scenes for our viewing pleasure, so it’s not arousing to me. My version of “Fight Porn” is fake and campy and is performed by attractive hunks in minimal gear, usually in a pro ring — totally different from what I’m seeing on r/fightporn. I guess, at its heart, violence is universally stimulating and attention-grabbing to humans, so I suppose Fight Porn and Wrestle Porn may be triggering come of the same synapses in our brains?
Below are the complete lyrics from the Fight Porn rap video that appears in The Gentlemen…
BOXES OF BUSH Lyrics
Man didn’t have to take off the door (nah)
Pull up in the dinger, straight through the hole in the floor
With the toddlers, don’t know what you thought
By the end of the night, you’ll be picking up your jaw
Plants, not ten or twenty Run up in the crop gaff with “Eggs Benny” (agh)
Man’s ‘ead got cracked and his legs went jelly (blaow)
Just know that we’re leaving the room with every last penny
No joke, man don’t boast Just know it’s over when you see “Ghost”
Spinning back kick might take off your nose Man don’t want that smoke
Big elbow to the top of the dome (what?) Man don’t want that smoke, nah
And I’m “Earnie,” the left hand’s fast but the right hand’s sturdy!
They know I been bad from early. Your little ‘eadlock can’t hurt me
I’m fighting dirty, “Jim” (Chin) You already know man can’t fuck with him
When it comes to this fighting ting, manna head butt him (yeah)
Put in the double leg take down
Prime time’s like Joe Rogan with the MMA breakdown
And once everybody’s sleeping, it turns into a playground
All buds, no dust. Boxes and boxes and boxes, with the toddlers, are you dumb?). Boxes of bush. [Repeat 4 times]
(Ay) Put it on the net, do you wanna bet it will do a milly in a sec? [Repeat 3 times]
Boxes of bush. All buds, no dust (oi, it’s my time). Boxes and boxes and boxes, with the toddlers, are you dumb? (We’re killin’ ’em with this one, woo)
Boxes of bush (toddlers) All buds, no dust (yeah) Boxes and boxes and boxes, with the toddlers, are you dumb? With the toddlers, are you dumb?
Just know that we come from the bottom of the slum
And we’re hungry, means we’re coming for the crumbs
And we’re like a taxman, cah we’re coming for your funds
Bang, bang, you see us in a gang
Hop out the back of the blue Transit van (yeah)
Nuff man have never had money in a bank
With these 25 grand in elastic bands (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
We’ve always got drastic plans, like Bill Sykes we’ll take your pots and pans (yeah)
How many million views did we do last week?
Man I got too many fans (what?) I swear down, man are drastic
You don’t wanna get left in a casket (what?)
If we run up in a crib and it’s filled with weed
Then we’re leaving with it in a basket (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Boxes of bush (boxes) All buds, no dust Boxes and boxes and boxes, with the toddlers, are you dumb? (Toddlers) [Repeat 4 times]