Wrestling Arsenal

In the Glory Days of wrestling, promoters would sell the power of their massive giants (like Big John Studd) by showing them defeat two jobbers at once.  The implication was that the beast must have the strength of at least three men if he can dominate two men at a time.  And how — oh how — could our poor young heroes like Tito Santana or Barry Windham ever stand a chance against such a monster with the strength of more than two men?!?

Here is a match I recently saw on YouTube featuring a classic Evil Giant — Big John Studd — easily beating up two jobbers.  I didn’t bother trying to figure out the jobbers’ names — let’s just call them Scrub in White and Scrub in Black.

The Scrubs try to attack Big John while he’s still in his robe, but he fends them off and removes the robe to display his huge, hairy body bursting out of those bulging white tights. That sudden bold display of Big John’s massive beefy flesh, that shameless exposure of the male physique, can cause the viewers to swoon.  As a young fan of wrestling, I’d find myself wishing they had invented some recording device that would let you pause and rewind live television…

To lose a wrestling match is humiliating enough. To have a partner helping you, to be permitted to team up two-against-one and still lose, is doubly degrading!  I would always picture a wimpy jobber like Scrub in White returning home after the match and his father shaking his head in shame and disbelief:  “You’re telling me you had a two-on-one advantage?  And you LOST!?   How is that possible, son?…. HOW??” (I had an active imagination back then, which is part of the reason I enjoy pro wrestling so much…)

Big John Studd simply overflowed the television screen — and a young wrestling fan’s fantasies –  with his size and power.  He was so deliciously punishing, impressively strong, and he couldn’t be dominated by even two men.  He was the epitome of masculinity — the ideal of size and strength that every young man ponders and, in some part, craves to become.  He was a man’s man — that big bare chest, that flowing hair and full beard, and those tall red boots…

Another reason Big John Studd caught my attention (and my imagination) as a young wrestling fan was his name.  “Big John” is a slang term for a penis (especially a really large penis).  Are they hinting to us that this Studd is well-hung in those bulging white tights?  Having the last name of “Studd” further sexualizes his name.  A “stud”, after all, is either a really good looking dude, or a male horse that is kept for breeding.  Every time they say the name “Big John Studd,” the listener gets a subliminal message to think about sex.

Now that I’m older and (perhaps) wiser, I’m wondering if Big John Studd’s entire body and costume was meant to symbolize a big stiff cock, pounding on and subduing his pussy opponents…  This may be why they dressed him in plain white tights, so he looks phallic.  Over the years, we’ve seen other examples of this gimmick in pro wrestling, where a wrestler’s name is a slang term for a cock, and he’s dressed to resemble a penis: the Dicks, the Johnsons, and the Ding Dongs to name a few. Of course, the most blatant, literal example of the Big Wrestling Phallus gimmick was seen in yesterday’s posting where Tiger Mask beat Mr. No.

So maybe Big John’s long robe that he wears to the ring symbolizes the covering up of the male private parts, the modesty that society demands.  Later, when he suddenly strips his robe, his body (symbolically phallic) is proudly revealed and displayed without shame.  Maybe the fact that the Scrubs tried to subdue him before he removed his robe was symbolic of society’s efforts to restrain and stifle manhood and masculinity– to prevent him from whipping it out.  But Big John won’t be denied.

Last week, we saw Roderick Strong accept a “No Holds Barred” challenge from up-and-comer Adam Cole during Ring of Honor’s 2012 Homecoming event.  Roddy soon established himself as the Bully in the ring, with Cole in the role of Tortured Geek.

The punishment continues as Roderick yanks his victim’s powder-blue trunks to toss the poor Ragdoll around.  This is reminiscent of the humiliating “wedgies” that the Quarterback might have given to the Nerd back in high school.

Sexual abuse and emasculation are implied when someone’s skivvies get stretched and scrunched up into their most sensitive areas and his cheek is exposed.

Our wrestling heroes, our “Baby-Faces,” are born from suffering.  The more agonizing and degrading the Pretty-Boy’s suffering, the more the fans will love and care about him.

When Roderick Strong (known as the “Messiah of the Backbreaker”) slams poor Adam Cole spine-first into a chair, a wrestling star is born!  Keep your eyes on this handsome young Adam Cole (as if you need me to remind you to do that…)

Roderick Strong must read my Blog because I just recently posted an article describing how a chair can greatly increase the pain of a Camel Clutch.  He applies one of the most sadistic versions of the Camel I’ve ever seen, grasping the metal frame of a chair so the seat is driven into poor Adam’s throat.  Now do you see why Roderick is one of my favorite wrestlers?!

Next Roderick lays the poor kid’s handsome face on the chair, where the ass belongs, and begins stomping on his lower back.  Damn, I love Ring of Honor…

And all these cruel moves — all the hair pulling and chair slamming — is all LEGAL.  It’s a “No Holds Barred” match, so Roddy is permitted to be as vicious as he wants to be.  Why did poor, young Cole agree to put his body and his safety on the line like this?

In the end, Roderick rolls up the rookie (pulling on his trunks again) to secure the victory.  This match and Roderick’s viciousness were just too much for young Cole to handle.

But then a funny thing happened on the way to the showers.  The fans stood and cheered — for the LOSER.  They gave brave young Adam Cole a standing ovation in honor of the punishment he absorbed, and to thank him for sacrificing his body to entertain them (and because he looks so darn good.)    Like I said, keep your eyes on Adam Cole!

I heard Jesse Sorenson (one of my favorite wrestlers on TNA Impact) was seriously injured at the Against All Odds Pay-Per-View this past Sunday, 2/12/12.  It seems that Jesse was standing outside the ring and Zema Ion (or Shiima Xion or whatever) jumped off the ropes to slam his knee onto Jesse’s upper back.  Jesse collapsed to the floor with a broken neck (his C1 vertebrae) and the ref quickly ended the match and called for help.

Sorenson was hospitalized, but luckily he has feeling in his arms and body and is expected to recover.  Will he wrestle again, or want to wrestle again?  I don’t know, I hope so.

There is a video clip of this scary scene which you can easily find if you want to see it, but I do NOT recommend watching it — it’s disturbing.  I warned you.

When Jesse first joined TNA, I blogged about his Gauntlet Match (Part 1 and Part 2) and his on-going feud with Kid Kash and Austin Aries, two veteran bullies who delighted in punishing the young lion.  I even encouraged them to keep beating up poor Sorenson:

“Just know that I could watch Sorenson getting whipped just like this every day and twice on Sundays…”

Now I regret ever wishing harm on poor handsome young Jesse.  As much as I want to watch him suffer endless abuse, I only want to see FAKE agony.  Instead of “Keeping it real,” pro wrestlers should focus on keeping it fake.

Really, you guys don’t need to jump off the ropes or attempt any risky flips or dives!  Just stay down on the mat — old-school style — and apply a bunch of friendly Scissors and Bearhugs and Headlocks.  This wrestling fan is totally fine with that (would actually prefer it.)

As much as I delight in displays of suffering (see my Suffering Sunday series for numerous examples), I only want FAKE suffering.  Yes, I love the imagery of violence and agony, and part of my brain wants to believe the victim is really in pain — but deep down, I also want to rest assured that everybody is safe and goes home healthy and unharmed.

I haven’t figured out yet why I want to see guys like Jesse Sorenson pretending to be hurt — but the minute they’re really hurt, I regret it and want them to get well soon.  I will keep trying to figure that out (probably for the rest of my life), but in the meantime, please be careful guys, keep it fake, don’t risk life and limb just for my entertainment.

This article continues the discussion of the Theory of Inherited Wrestling Behaviors presented a couple weeks ago and further expounded on last week.  The theory is based on the following assumptions:

• Humans (all species) are born with ingrained behavior patterns.
• The greater the survival value of a trait, the more likely it will be passed down.
• Our inherited traits when it comes to social patterns are most likely similar to our modern chimpanzee cousins.

Notice that wrestling fans never get bored of the classic story lines.  We never tire, year after year, of watching yet another eager Baby-Face, for example, take a shot at the Champ and suffer a humbling beating — or some foreign bastard punishing a local hero.

According to the Theory, these scenarios never get stale because they’re burned into our very DNA. just like our eye color or likelihood we’ll get heart disease.  Pro Wrestling scenarios mirror the old skirmishes our ancestors witnessed through eons of human development, so they are comfortable, natural, and enjoyable to watch.

To test the Theory in action, let’s take a look at some of the matches we see repeated often in the wrestling ring and see how they mirror human life back in Hunter and Gatherer days.

Rookie vs. Veteran

One of the most common story-lines in pro wrestling features the young up-and-comer trying to topple the mean old veteran.  This is a direct reference to our pre-historic power struggles: the challenge of a younger Beta Male against an older, more crafty Alpha Male for the leadership position.

The passionate reactions of the crowd reveal that this conflict is deeply rooted in our DNA — a scene our ancestors watched unfold for millennia.

Young female fans in the crowd, you’ll notice, will scream wildly in support of the rookie challenger.  This is because, at least among chimps, when a young buck first secures the Alpha Male position, he will mate with all the females.  Modern female wrestling fans still cling to this anticipation in their monkey brains.  They look forward to getting with the virile young hard-body with fresh DNA rather than the old dog that has been bothering them for years.

Young men may also cheer for the young challenger because they sense that they may gain power by aligning with him.  He smiles at them and shakes their hands, he seems to be “One of the Guys,” so they instinctively hope for him to win to potentially raise their own social status.

But most fans expect, and are pleased to see, the punishment of the uppity challenger.  His is taking on our Alpha Male — something we submissive Beta Males are afraid to do ourselves, so we’re jealous of the cocky younger show-off.  He is trying to upset the social order we’re comfortable with.  If he is like most chimps, he may want to mate with our female after he wins, and may even drive us out of the troop.   More mature fans therefore expect (and love to watch) the young challenger beaten into submission by our long-time Alpha Male — it’s human nature developed over centuries.

Squash Match

An aggressive Alpha Male chimp will often bully, attack, or threaten other males who have a lower social status, apparently for no reason.  His aggression is meant to intimidate the weaker males and maintain the pecking order.  He gives his subordinates a daily reminder of his superior status.

A pro wrestling squash job is just a flashback to the days when we human beings lived in packs and observed the pecking order in practice — an aggressive Bull rough-housing, bullying, or beating up his weaker counterparts to keep the social order intact.  It isn’t unfair and it isn’t personal — it’s just natural.  One-sided punishment is a reminder to the submissive male that he’s on the bottom, that he doesn’t stand a chance, that he better not stir up trouble or lead a revolt.

Also the Alpha Male must defend the troop against invasion and lead the fight against other tribes.  Back in our hunter-gatherer days, we sure didn’t want a lazy, out-of-shape Alpha protecting us, so it’s comforting to see him practice his moves during peaceful times so he’s ready for the next big fight.  Thus, we naturally love a tough, brutal Heel.

A one-sided squash match is comforting to watch because it reassures us that our Alpha Male is a bad-ass; that he is in shape and knows some great moves; that he’s ready to protect us and our offspring. The submissive males who suffer the Alpha Male’s practice sessions (the “jobbers”) are just helping to keep our Alpha in fighting shape.

Foreign Bastard

Another common pro wrestling match pits an Evil Foreigner against the Home Town Boy.  Many wrestlers wear outlandish costumes (such as a mask) and perform strange rituals in the ring to emphasize that they’re different from the people in the audience.  They play up the fact that they’re not one of us.  The Foreign Bastard represents a challenger coming from a different troop, trying to take over and subjugate us.

An Invader is to be feared and hated because, in primate societies, if he defeats our Alpha Male, he will most likely kill the nursing babies in order to spread his own DNA. He will certainly take all our females for himself and may also drive the males (us) from the troop to eliminate any threat to his authority.

This is what happens in chimp society, so it’s our own legacy as well.  We revile a foreign bastard and realize it’s critical to our very survival for Our Hometown Boy (our Alpha) to win the match.

Loser Leaves Town

“Loser Leaves Town” matches were common when there were territorial wresting federations.  The loser of a bout would be forced to disappear for a while, which affected his income.  Fans that loved the wrestler would not have the pleasure of seeing him perform.  (Often he would don a wrestling mask and sneak back into the ring anyway, and everyone except the officials could easily tell it was the same dude.)

When a chimp behaves too aggressively against the Alpha Male, he will often be driven away from the troop — forced to fend for himself.  This removes the threat of an aggressor who wants to vie for the leadership position.  The “Loser Leaves Town” matches of yore were direct references to this common primate behavior that, I’m sure, happened frequently during human evolution.

The artist Wrock created this graphic novel about John Cena’s Hollywood audition gone wrong for our viewing pleasure.  I posted some other artwork that Wrock sent me in an earlier gallery if you want to go back and check it out.    Thanks Wrock, and great job!  You Wrock!

There can be no doubt that John Cena is a great all around athlete, wrestler, film actor, and just plain good guy. But you don’t get to the top without making enemies of jealous, envious, back-stabbing degenerates. Our hero is no exception.  No animals were injured in producing this exposé, but millions of pixels were mangled, bent, distorted and otherwise cruelly tortured in Photoshop to produce the pictures that appear as 100% genuine fictitious evidence.

This all started one day when our hero received a call from his agent while finishing the morning chores on his ranch. A Hollywood producer wanted Cena to portray Tarzan returning from England and needing to defeat the dominant male ape before he can be reaccepted into the band. These were to be ferocious life and death, hand to hand battles the likes of which had never been captured on screen before.  They were to symbolize early man’s struggle to overcome the savage forces that had attempted to eradicate our species.

Needless to say, John-boy jumped at the chance to audition.  He had grown up watching Tarzan swagger through the jungle in little more than a loincloth, dominating all the other species.  He had often fantasized about over-powering some big silverback gorilla and showing off his Alpha Male victory poses — and this was his opportunity!

Meanwhile, in a warehouse hundreds of miles away, a clandestine meeting was taking place between three  sadistic agents of evil who were conspiring to bring down our hero.  An unscrupulous animal trainer who would do anything for money was showing off his trained gorilla. He and his animal were part of a carnival act that offered $1,000 to any man who could stay in the ring and wrestle the gorilla for five minutes. In the act’s three year history, no one had collected, but many had been hospitalized.

The third member of this unsavory trinity was a dark, leather clad figure whose face was obscured by a black hoodie pulled low. Satisfied that the ape could do the job, our mystery man pulled out a wad of bills and handed them to the trainer. The other half was to be paid when the job was done.

John’s directions took him to an old warehouse that looked abandoned. It was located in the middle of nowhere — the only building for miles.

When he went inside, he was greeted by a camera man in a black hoodie who told him they would be shooting the demo tape here, but the actual filming for the movie would be in the jungles of the Tropics.

He was shown the ring he would be working in and handed his outfit—what there was of it.  The very skimpy leopard print thong revealed more than it concealed. Cena admired himself in the mirror—He was going to make a spectacular Tarzan!

Cena had  assumed he would be working with a stunt man in an ape costume. “They must have borrowed a costume from the Planet of the Apes movie set,” he thought to himself as his opponent stepped into the ring.  The costume looked so real — too real.

At Ring of Honor‘s Homecoming 2012 show on January 20th, Roderick Strong (one of my favorite wrestlers) was scheduled to face Eddie Edwards in a “No Holds Barred” match.  When Eddie was unable to compete, Roddy assumed he would be declared the automatic winner.

But then young Adam Cole bravely entered the arena, his long hair flowing like a young Musketeer, his baby blue trunks just screaming “Vulnerability!”   Adam boldly offered to wrestle Roderick to the delight of the fans, including this fan.  Roderick couldn’t back down to this cocky young lion, and Rookie vs. Veteran, No Holds Barred match was underway.

I’ve featured Adam Cole in an earlier article (in the exact same fancy-pants trunks, by the way) and I think he’s one of the hottest young talents on the Indy scene.  But does this pretty-boy really belong in a “No Holds Barred” match against the dangerous Roderick Strong??

Scenarios like this — the out-matched rookie, the unfair agony he will endure, the apparent brutality that Ring of Honor veterans dish out by the bucketful — are why I love this federation.  They get the psychology of good old Pro Wrestling.  They push all my buttons.

And Ring of Honor delivers the excitement, especially the great Roderick Strong.  He commits a series of violent crimes, dragging the long-haired Baby-Face around by the hair (apparently legal in a “No Holds Barred” match) and chopping his bare chest, his hand smacking like a gun-shot against the handsome young man’s exposed, meaty pectorals.

If you want an even, back and forth chess match; if you want Adam Cole to have a fair fight; if you want Roderick to suffer for his arrogance, you came to the wrong place.  Cole gets to apply a few holds, but for the most part, he serves as a pathetic Whipping Boy for my Roddy.

A “No Holds Barred” match offers the Heel even greater freedom to brutalize his opponent.  Roddy brings a chair into the ring to bust up Cole’s leg, and repeatedly yanks the poor kid’s hair.

I haven’t seen cruel punishment like this by an Alpha Male jock on an adorable-but-awkward Sophomore since High School gym class.  Just as my gym teacher looked the other way and permitted the bullying, so too does this Ref stand back and allow Roddy to be as nasty as he wants to be.  Young Adam has agreed to a “No Holds Barred” match after all, and we can’t help it that he’s so gorgeous and vulnerable looking that Roddy (a bully by nature) is just itching to make him suffer.

To Be Continued…