Wrestling Arsenal

I love it when pro wrestling breaks into pop culture.  (I mean cool, high quality pro wrestling, not a stupid joke.)   Here is a cool music video I saw on YouTube featuring two wrestlers at work in the ring while the song plays in the background.  Any band that features pro wrestling in their video is my favorite band!  The song begins with a steady tribal drum rhythm, like a heartbeat, as we see one wrestler kick the other in the head.

The action is filmed in stylish black and white, presenting a landscape of soothing darkness broken up by brightly-lit, pale flesh.  Extreme slow motion is used to emphasize every expression, every flex of muscle and tensing of sinew, every lace on the boots and corner pads.  The scene is haunting. Yet the music is jaunty and rhythmic like a sea chanty, and sung with a voice that chimes like a bell and sends chills down your spine.  So the bouncy soundtrack is a stark contrast to the colorless scene, glacial pace, and violent imagery in the ring.

The Hero wrestler stuns his opponent with a jaw-breaker elbow.  Then his boots are seen striding slowly across the ring and climbing onto the turn-buckles.  The slow motion effect adds drama and ponderous weight to the action — to the punishment being doled out.  And if you like long sexy hair and tall boots on a wrestler, you’ll enjoy this video. Watch the video to see what I mean.

So why would this band use Indy pro wrestling as the backdrop for their song? (Besides the fact that Indy rock and Indy wrestling are both fucken cool.)   Let’s take a closer look at the lyrics:

The beginning describes a happy, proud man who fancies himself a hero, chasing away criminals and winning fights — like a pro wrestling Baby-Face.  We all enter this world proud and healthy, thinking we’re brave, invincible, and we’ll always do the right thing.  One wrestler even has the word “Hero” printed proudly on the back of his trunks.  But the end of the first verse reveals the sad truth that we all soon learn: there really are no Superheroes, neither you, nor me, nor the studs in the wrestling ring.

As the song progresses, the man’s life falls apart.  He grapples with addiction and poverty, just as our lives aren’t pure rainbows and roses.  The man in the song begins to fear images of death (“The Hill” as in a cemetery hill, and “The Hole” as in grave.)  Seeing pro wrestlers on the screen juxtaposed with these sobering lyrics reminds us that many pro wrestlers also live double lives — heroic and invincible in the ring, but often addicted, lonely, injured, and poor in the real world.

Meanwhile we see the broken body of the jobber on the mat, waiting to be crushed by another man’s body flying down off the ropes.  We sit transfixed, in anticipation, waiting for the inevitable crushing impact of body on body.

During the entire four minute song, we see Hero execute just three moves.  The extremely slow pace reminds the viewer to take it slow, to savor the action.  Appreciate Hero’s hair floating around gracefully in the breeze; enjoy these cool moves and strong bodies.  Meanwhile the singer’s interesting voice, high-pitched and chilling like a siren song, bounces along through the lyrics.  (Chris Hero’s greatness is evident — he is sure trying hard to become one of my all time favorite wrestlers.)

The final verse reminds us to enjoy our lives and our experiences while we’re here.  Yes, you’re going to face hardships and death, yes you’re going to be pinned down and defeated, but don’t dwell on it to the point that you overlook living your life!  Don’t be bored or boring — go have fun, meet people, wrestle somebody, wear some fancy boots.  Yes it’s a “silly world” and you’ll surely end up in “the Hole”, but enjoy the good and bad experiences while they last.  That’s my humble interpretation of the lyrics and the video anyway.

Here is how the director describes the making of the video:

“The idea to make a… video using wrestling footage was inspired by a collective love for “pro wrestling” that we and the band all share. The video was shot on the Olympus I-Speed 3, a camera usually reserved for capturing the damage caused in controlled car crashes. This enabled us to capture the wrestling at 2,000 frames per second. This speed revealed the discipline, athleticism and precision that goes into mastering the art of pro wrestling. The tension created by the action in the ring being slowed to such an extent perfectly matches the tension built… by the repetitive drums and bass line of the song.”

Have I mentioned I really dig Headscissors:  the celebration of leg strength, the crushing hamstrings and glutes in action, the boots locked tight, the victim’s helpless predicament.  I think Headscissors would be my favorite wrestling hold IF there weren’t so many other great wrestling holds to also love.  And some of these pro wrestlers really know how to make their Headscissors look so enticing…

Here are a few great images of the Headscissor I’ve run across recently.  Hopefully these images will explain what I’m going on about…

In pro wrestling, T.L.C. does not stand for “Tender Loving Care.”  No, these three letters stand for something far more sinister and sadistic: “Tables, Ladders, and Chairs.”

In modern pro wrestling, the athletes constantly invent new, creative ways to use common furniture to punish and humiliate their victim.  One example is sitting on a chair with the cross-beam over some jobber’s throat (I just LOVE this move, especially when used on a cocky stud like Randy Orton…)

Some people consider the Boston Crab the most painful hold in wrestling.  At least this is how the hold is described and “sold” in the ring.  For many years, it has been feared and respected as a hold that a Crabber can use to finish off and utterly punish his Crabbee.

So how can a wrestler escalate the pain of this deadly hold to make himself seem extra sadistic?  How can the hold be taken to the next level — increasing it’s Punishment Value (which is already a perfect 10) up to an 11 or 12?  The answer is to incorporate a chair — to bend the victim’s soft flesh under and around the cold steel framework.

Another way to convert the Boston Crab from a common old wrestling hold to an act of sadistic torture is to take the wrestling outside the ring.  Moving from the springy, bouncy, soft environment inside the ring to a hard, cold, unpadded ringside area increases the presumed agony of any hold or slam.

Folks in this crowd will never look at a common Picnic Table the same way after seeing their young hero being Boston Crabbed on the table, his face pressed into the splintery wood as he pounds on the table-top.  It is as if the jobber is a meal being served on the table for them to consume.

The Phoenix Twins are a pair of identical brothers with shaved heads and handsome faces.  To double the fans’ viewing pleasure, their sadistic opponents use a ladder to break the backs of both Phoenix Twins at the same time.  This is an A-Plus use of a ladder to brutalize and sexualize the match — great job guys!  (Try rising from those ashes, Phoenix Twins!)

It is the responsibility of pro wrestlers to shock and excite the crowd through their brutal antics and torturous holds.  Bringing a Table, Ladder, or Chair into the match to use as a weapon is a sure-fire way to amp up the apparent pain and potential for injury that the blood-thirsty crowd is eager to witness.  Here, a pair of veterans teach young Cody Rhodes a lesson by twisting his body around a metal chair using both a Camel Clutch and Boston Crab!  Nice!

Lets take a closer look at a few other creative uses of T.L.C. to humiliate, torture, and destroy the helpless victims — the unforgiving hardness of the furniture increasing the victim’s pain and the fans’ perception of cruelty and abuse to the maximum levels:

Check out WrestleBitch’s concerns that SOPA / PIPA will destroy the internet wrestling community.

Read a 6-page article on how SOPA / PIPA will destroy pro wrestling content on-line.

Watch a 14 minute video on the reasons SOPA / PIPA came to be written and why these acts are so aggressive.

Visit and support the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

Ahhh, the good old Stare-Down.  Before the wrestlers get down to proving who is stronger in the ring, they often perform a pre-match test of wills known as the Stare Down.  They lock eyes, bump chests, and try to see which man will back down first (proving himself to be weaker, and thereby surrender the mental advantage.)

But in addition to a pissing contest, we also see body contact, intense interest in one another, closeness of their mouths.  This can all be construed as having a sexual connotation.  Certainly, you don’t want to get close to someone who repulses you.  Rather, you will get close to someone who attracts you.  Check out these Stare Downs (look closely at their eyes and faces) and see if you can pick up any sexual vibes…

Have you noticed a growing use of sexually suggestive poses in pro wrestling in recent years?  More and more, we’re seeing what I call the “Kneeling Bitch” position portrayed in the ring to imply a Dominant/Submissive relationship between the wrestlers.

I’m sure you’ve seen this spot: one wrestler will be so exhausted and hurt, he can barely peel his heavy body off the mat.  He will slowly crawl to a kneeling position, perhaps using his opponent’s legs to pull himself up.  Soon he will find his face in a compromising position, just inches from the standing man’s crotch.  They will then freeze the action in this provocative pose.

The dominant wrestler will stand over the fallen man, perhaps looking down in contempt, perhaps with a sly grin, presenting his crotch toward the helpless victim’s face.  He may even grab the bitch’s hair.  Pro wrestling has always subtly implied eroticism, but this is a blatant, in-your-face reference to a sexual act.

We have seen this pose used on occasion in the past.  I believe it was pioneered (or at least used most frequently) by Ric Flair.   For example, during Flair’s epic “I Quit” match against Terry Funk, we saw him in Kneeling Bitch position several times.

Flair loved to juxtapose his confident, cocky swagger before the fight with a begging, submissive, mouth-open kneel halfway into the battle.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Kneeling before another man implies being enslaved or bested (who could forget  when queer-beard General Zod forced Superman to kneel before him).  It also implies a potential forced sex act, a rape, a pleasuring of the dominant male in exchange for him not kicking the helpless man’s ass.

In many cases, this sexual harassment is soon repaid with swift vengeance. General Zod, remember, was punished brutally by the end of Superman II, his hand broken in Superman’s grasp and then his body thrown into an icy crevice as just punishment for his homosexual antics…

Back in the day, not many wrestlers besides Flair — who was way ahead of his time — would ever place themselves in such a degrading position (at least not while in the public eye.)

Today’s young wrestlers must have studied Flair’s career — his willingness to humiliate himself, kneeling offering his open mouth to all comers — followed by his fame, popularity, and eventually Hero Worship from the fans.

Now every stud in trunks and boots is eager to get beaten down into Kneeling Bitch Position (KBP) and permit the other wrestler to stand over him like a demanding boss when your performance evaluation is due.

And the more attractive the Heel, the more frequently we see him mastering his opponents in this way.  Dolph Ziggler’s shiny trunks, for example, have had more noses pressed against them than the store-front window at Macy’s department store…

It seems that pro wrestling is in the process of being “Outed” a second time.  In the 1990′s, after years of speculation, they basically admitted the sport was fake — and the fans slowly came to accept it and love it anyway.

Now twenty years later, they’re beginning to admit the sport is homo-erotic, slowly ramping up the sexual antics, using more suggestive blow-job imagery.  And I think the fans are slowly accepting the fact that pro wrestling is meant to arouse a dude, and are laughing it off.

Everyone’s favorite punching bag — John Cena — certainly understands the heat and excitement generated when the hero is forced to his knees before the horny attacker. In nearly every match these days, we see Gay-for-Pay Cena helpless on his knees, his massive muscles just barely able to raise his body, his eyes closed so he perhaps is not aware that he just stuck his face in a dude’s crotch.  Fans are left to wonder if Cena is really hurt, or really into other men…

And if you’ve seen any modern “comedy” wrestling by some of the Japanese federations, you know that they’re pushing the envelope even further with queer, sexually sadistic, ever groping wrestlers like Danshoku Dino and Hard Gay.

Mexican Lucha Libre is also now featuring more sissy wrestlers called “exoticos” who fondle and kiss their opponents, like the pink-haired (and beloved) Maximo.  In a sport (and nation) where being tough and masculine is the ideal, it’s interesting to see these sissies being embraced and cheered — perhaps indicating a greater tolerance for gayness.

Maybe pro wrestling needs to become gayer in order to survive — to compete with the graphic and sexually explicit underground wrestling that is now so readily available on-line.  Maybe instead of Survival of the Fittest, in pro wrestling we’re seeing Survival of the Gayest.

So where do we go from here?  How can they shock us even more at this point? Will mainstream pro wrestling become ever more explicit and homo-erotic until we’re witnessing actual rape scenes in the ring?  Is that what we really want to see, or is it sexier to just imply the eroticism?  Where is the line between arousing and exciting the viewers, and possibly outraging and offending them?

I was reading a forum about wrestling and saw a comment someone wrote describing a comic book he owned as a child which first turned him on to wrestling.  He said:

“I was 5 y.o. when I saw the cover of a comic book about Abraham Lincoln, and the cover had two barechested men in jeans and boots facing each other in a field ready to rassle. I remember getting turned on imagining them locking barechest to barechest, stomach to stomach in a bearhug. Pro wrasslin and gladiator movies just fueled the fire over the years!”

I found this interesting because he reminded me that I had the exact same comic book  — and I too found it very exciting.  It was a “Classics Illustrated” — a series of educational comics about historical figures and famous literary characters.  For all these years, I believed I was the only freak in the world that could get hot and bothered by a comic book about an old dead president!  So it’s nice to hear there is someone else who loved the same Abe Lincoln wrasslin’ comic…

So I searched on E-Bay and sure enough, I found the comic book for sale and bought it. (The Internet kills me — everything under the sun can be found within minutes and shipped to you in a few days — instant gratification!  Even old obsessions from several decades ago, available after a brief search and an instant bank transfer.)

Do you see the erotic appeal of the cover image??  The man-on-man violence is about to erupt, Abe and the other stud all shirtless and flexing, their fingers eager to grip, their tight britches clinging to their hard bodies all over, their sexy tall leather boots like a motorcycle cop would wear.

Images like this that can have a powerful effect on the brain of a young viewer.  (It did a number on me, and apparently, on the guy who wrote into the forum.)  While most comic books are drawn in a silly, surreal manner like a caricature, this image appears realistic (and therefore more powerful).  Their flesh and sinew and bare skin look lifelike enough to touch (or bite or hug against).

If you zoom in close to Abe’s britches, you may see a random bulge in the front of those tight pants — right under Abe’s belt buckle.  Did the cartoonist draw this subtle fold of cloth to depict how rough they’re struggling — so rough that it wrinkled their clothing?  Or is this a subliminal prompt to the viewer? Is this a suggestion that Abe is pitching a tent?

According to historians, Abe Lincoln loved to Wrassle and really did fight a local bully named “Jack Armstrong” in 1831 when he was 22.  This painting which appeared in Esquire magazine in 1949 shows Abe getting it on with Armstrong and violently body-slamming him.  Again we see the combatants shirtless and hard-bodied in their tight trousers and boots, getting all rough with one another while the crowd of male viewers is whipped into a frenzy…

Check it out — I used my photo editing skills (such as they are) to put Lincoln and Armstrong in the ring as modern-day pro wrestlers.

So anyway, this comic book about Lincoln goes on to tell his life story, from his birth in a log cabin in Kentucky, to his assassination.  The most exciting part of this 46 page book (and, of course, the scene they chose to feature on the front cover) appears on page 7, where the wrestling match with Armstrong is depicted in six panels.  Here is a closer look at those panels…

In the first panel, we see an older man — Jack Armstrong — looking cocky while chewing on a sprig of grass.  He gets in Abe’s face for a stare-down and challenges the youth to some wrestling.  Why is Armstrong so angry just because Abe’s boss was bragging about him??  Is he just looking for an excuse to get physical with Abe?

He poses his challenge in the form of a question: “How about wrestling with me?”   It’s like a proposition.  Abe eagerly agrees.

Their shirts torn off, the two men get ready to rumble in the next panel.  In the foreground, a man bets his knife that Lincoln will win.  Why is this odd wager included in the story — and why are the man and his knife featured so prominently in the foreground?  And why wouldn’t he hold the knife by the blade, the safer way to hand it off?

We see that the knife rises erect from the bottom of the frame.  It points stiffly between Lincoln’s spread legs, as if penetrating or splitting his legs.  I believe the pointy knife is a phallic reference, meant to further sexualize the scene.

Notice how the bearded man refers to the knife as his “skinning” knife — an odd term to describe a tool which has many diverse uses.  The word “skinning” draws the reader’s attention to the bare skin of the combatants in the background.  With that open blade just inches away from the wrestlers’ naked torsos, it almost seems as though that “Skinning Knife” will be used to harm the men in the fight.  Does the presence of a sharp weapon indicate that Lincoln is in danger of being tortured (or raped)?

Here is another sexy comic book cover meant to titillate and arouse the viewer.  We again see our studliest president, Abe Lincoln, this time locking hands and battling for manly domination with an Injun whose shirt is wide open to expose his chest. Their faces are contorted in ecstasy as they lean in and strive against one another.

Again we see a knife laid on the table, at the Injun’s waist level and pointing stiffly at Lincoln’s groin area.  Isn’t it unsafe to arm wrestle with a knife on the same table? I suppose if Lincoln loses to this “Scalphunter,” we are led to believe that the savage is going to penetrate Lincoln’s flesh with his weapon (or otherwise punish and degrade our poor, defeated president…)

In Panel #3, Abe applies the Schoolboy Pin, we’re told that the two men wrestled “hard” — which is another odd term.  Is the word “hard” really the correct adjective to describe a fight — or is the implication that the men have become hard?

Lincoln subdues the bitch, holding him down and forcing himself on submissive Jack Armstrong.  The beaten man’s chest and arms are drawn with sprouting hair, indicating his manliness, his high level of testosterone.  Lincoln just can’t keep his hands off that man-flesh!

From this close-up position, we can’t see their bodies, so we don’t know what exactly Abe is doing to his victim.  We just see Abe on top, looking down into the eyes and parted lips of the submissive male.  We know from another man’s comment that Abe is trying to “get away” with something inappropriate.   They’re still just wrestling, right?  In any case, the other men interrupt the heated battle and further body contact, an escalation of the situation, is averted…

When I first read this comic book as a youngster, I didn’t understand exactly what I was looking at — all the sexual imagery meant to titillate the viewer — but I sure felt a charge of energy from the drawings.  I felt an undeniable (but hard to explain) raw, primal attraction to the bare-chested struggling between the men.  I had an instinctual understanding that there is more going on here than just wrestling.  I both loved and hated cocky Jack Armstrong.  I knew I that I wanted to look at page 7 of the magazine (the wrestling match) far more than I enjoyed, for example, page 21 about the Lincoln-Douglas Debates, or page 42 when the Civil War ended, even though those events seemed more important historically.

Seeing  what Abe has done with their friend has all the other men eager for a piece of him.  While Jack catches his breath in the background, the other men trap Abe against a brick wall to have their way with him.

Abe offers to either spend some time with each man individually, or to allow them all to go at him at once.  He really IS a toughie!

But Jack Armstrong is greedy and jealous.  He refuses to share pretty-boy Abe with the other men, instead forming a monogamous friendship with the young man who bested him.  Apparently, they’ve become friends for life.  The reader learns from this scene that the bond that forms after wrestling a man is powerful and permanent.

This message is inspirational to the young reader, who will now crave another man to wrestle with in order to experience the admiration, closeness, and intimacy that Abe is experiencing with Jack Armstrong.

So now you know why I love wrestling — I can’t help it. Someone gave me this comic book and the rest is history.

The Tolos Brothers (Chris and John) were a heel Tag Team from the 1950′s and 60′s.  These Greek brothers weren’t twins, but they sure looked similar with their masculine physiques, buzzed hair, and no-nonsense expressions.  Their brutal tactics caused plenty of riots when the outraged crowd couldn’t stand to watch any more of their dirty cheating.

This Tag Team squash job that I recently saw on YouTube illustrates their cruel attitudes and underhanded tactics.  I’ve shaded their trunks in green in these images so you can tell which wrestlers are John and Chris Tolos.

I’m not sure why, but I find it exciting when Tag Teams use two-against-one bullshit in the corner.  The more often, the better.  Rather than a few instances of corner abuse, how about a dozen or more?  The Tolos boys deliver the dirty without restraint.

I prefer my heel Tag Teams to be mother-fuckers.  I like when one member of the Tag Team distracts the ref, so his partner can molest and practically rape their victim behind the ref’s back.

Never you mind that it is unbelievable for the official to be distracted so easily and so often.  For me, Tag Team cheating is like a good blow job — I just want it to go on and on and never stop.

So they repeatedly choke their victim, pull his hair, kick him in the back, punch him, and I suppose even apply some wrestling holds on him.  They waste their opponents with total disdain and a complete lack of compassion. Nice.

Modern heel Tag Teams may look pretty and talk slick on the stick, but the old-school baddies were so deliciously evil and over the top with their brutality — it was a beautiful thing.

The Tolos brothers are way ahead of their time, even slamming their victim onto a table and breaking it.  This is probably the first example of a table spot in wrestling history.

So I want to thank the person who dusted off this old match — the epitome of a classic sadistic Tag Team squash job — and posted it on YouTube. Thanks a lot SmellyDookie — you’ve got great taste in rassling (but your YouTube user name is pretty horrible.)