Call it a Come Back

The WWE Network is hosting a tournament called the “Cruiserweight Classic” to showcase the hot young(ish) talent they’ve identified from all the Indy feds worldwide. Most of the matches aren’t really my cup of tea — lots of flipping and flopping, lots of little guys, generally too much clothing — but I did enjoy seeing two familiar faces square off on the 8/17/16 episode.

Anthony Nese (whom I’ve spotlighted several times, usually suffering nicely) is portraying a powerful brute with his thick, manly beard and shredded physique.  Brian Kendrick is the crafty veteran, nearing the end of his career and describing this tournament as his last chance to shine — check out his sad puppy-dog eyes, above, as he pours out his soul for us.

Sneak attack fail.

How the hell did “Spanky” Kendrick suddenly become an old-timer?  It was just yesterday (actually 2005) that I wrote about him as a vulnerable fresh-faced lad being bitten by a pair of sadistic Japanese vampire bats.

Then you blink your eyes and the kid is suddenly 37 years old, lamenting that his days in the ring are numbered. (It’s a good thing that I haven’t aged a bit in that span of time.)   Here the crafty veteran tries to sneak-attack Nese right when the bell rings, but the young Alpha Male knocks him cold with a knee to the noggin.  What, me suffer??

Does he always use his knees because his name is “Nese”?   Get it — “kneese”?!

Nese’s primary weapons are his knees, which he frequently slams into poor Kendrick’s skull to stun him.  Here is a vicious series where he scrambles Spanky’s brains with brutal strikes, then sweeps his legs to take him down.

And take a look at those gorgeous tights on the veteran.  Where did he find that beautiful fabric — off some expensive Geisha’s kimono?  I will obsess about those tights more later — I’ve seen Kendrick wearing a bunch of cool tights like those, which speaks to his longevity, amassing quite a gear collection over his long career.

Yeah you BETTER start cheating Kendrick, or he’s gonna eat you for lunch.

The story of the match is that the old-timer is smaller and weaker than the relentless young bearded brute.  The commentators point out that the Big Man out-weights poor Spanky by 40 pounds.  (Hey wait a minute — how do they both qualify as “Cruiserweights” ??)

So we feel sorry for the helpless Old Man, just as we feel sorry for ourselves and our entire generation when the young whipper-snappers with their fancy gadgets and hip hairstyles join our ranks and try to unseat us.  Damn you Millenials — we earned the right to run this show after years of toil and suffering under the Baby Boomers’ regime.  And stay off my goddamn lawn, too!   This match evokes all that psychology as Nese brutalizes the fragile looking “Baby”-Face.

Can’t you defend yourself at all??

Back in August 2012, I wrote an article called “Spanked!” which featured the 33-year old Kendrick in tight white trunks against the arrogant Golden Boy Drake in even skimpier golden trunks.

Anyway, in that article, I mention that Kendrick had been fired from WWE, but rumors were floating around that the WWE Network was going to host a cruiserweight wrestling show that would include Kendrick on the roster.  It took them four years, but the rumors have come true and we’re finally seeing his long-promised return to WWE.

Things are getting kinky now.

Here is an example of Kendrick’s crafty (and playful) trickery and one of my favorite moments of the match.  He traps Nese in the corner and stuffs one of the big man’s thick forearms inside the turnbuckle cover.  The dumb beast is stuck, like a bear in a trap!

So Kendick is able to haul off and kick him.  That is cool — I’ve never seen that spot before.  This demonstrates Kendrick’s creativity (even if he is a little weird) and this is why I’m glad he’s back in WWE where I can keep an eye on him.

The headline for the WWE article describing this match refers to Kendrick’s villainous tactics:  “Kendrick Fights Dirty Against Nese.”  But it’s a playful, fun sort of dirty fighting, so in my mind, Kendrick is not a Heel.  He is justified in cheating (after all, he is 1o years older and 40 pounds lighter) and he’s so darn cute, you can’t really despise him.

For a long middle section of the match, Bad Boy Kendrick slaps on a series of sick Armbars, trying to weaken Nese’s powerful arm.

That’s what you get for humping my arm!

Nese again demonstrates his youthful strength, hoisting Kendrick up and ramming his spine into the corner buckles.

So I won’t reveal who won the match — you can Google it or go subscribe to WWE Network if you really need to know.  I’ll just give you a hint by mentioning that I now think I know who is going to win the whole tournament, and I think the story is going to be all about redemption and come-backs and last chances for old men.