When Chairs Attack

When they want to amp up the importance and brutality of a match, they allow metal folding chairs to enter into the normally stark, barren ecosystem inside the ring.  While I’m not a huge fan of brutal chairshots to the head (which have been banned due to their damaging effects), I do love to see chairs used as weapons in other creative, sadistic ways.

On the November 11th episode of Raw, Cena suffered the effects of having his arm draped through a chair and stomped on by cruel Alberto Del Rio.  Ouch, Cena just had surgery on that arm and it’s not healed yet!  The evil Del Rio locks that injured arm in his deadly Cross Arm Breaker RIGHT THROUGH THE CHAIR!  NICE!

They could have just shown Del Rio using his patented Armlock and grinding his crotch all over Cena’s triceps like he does.  But adding the metal chair into the mix takes it to a higher level of cruelty – an act of absolute sadism.

Here is a similar Armbar being applied to the already-injured shoulder of the Miz (do you see all that athletic tape?).  The chair takes on the appearance of a Medieval torture device as big bad Cesaro squats down on the chair and bends the other man’s flesh and bone against the cold hard steel.

Oh Mr. Cesaro — whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough!  What a brilliant way to express your sadistic tendencies, to inspire us to hate and fear you, and to give us boners!  You’re not just twisting our beloved Baby-Faces injured arm — oh no, you’re twisting his arm through a metal fuckin’ chair.

I mentioned earlier that I don’t get into stiff chairshots to the skull that tend to injure my poor wrestlers.  However, I’ll make an exception for this clever assassination attempt —  the chair like a guillotine blade.

I recall an attack by Roddy Piper on the naive savage Jimmy Snuka.  Piper viciously Pile-Drove his victim out on the floor, then grabbed a folding chair by the legs, held it high overhead, and drove the top of the chair right down into poor Snuka’s neck to injure him!  WHEW!  That senseless brutality on a helpless man has made me a sucker for chair-to-spine thrusts ever since.  On YouTube, someone set that cruel scene to the music of Iron Maiden — the chairshot occurs 2:00 into the video (and is repeated several times to make it easier to masturbate to).

But my Numero Uno all time favorite use of the chair is the old Chair Choker, where the crossbeam connecting the back legs is strategically located across the victim’s Adam’s Apple.  The attacker has nothing to do but sit there relaxing on that chair, letting his body weight crush down on the other man’s throat.  DAMN!  Talk about an imbalance of power between the two men…

Back in 2011, I blogged about one of the very best examples of the Chair Choker in pro wrestling history — when huge Mark Henry popped a squat on poor Randy Orton’s throat!  Because of Henry’s extreme obesity, the concept of Fat > Muscle also plays into his ruthless smothering of poor, ripped Randy Orton.  And nobody gives better face than Orton — his orgasmic expressions causing us to respond in kind.

Here is a fun variation of the Chair Choker with the dominant man (the Superman wanna-be in the red cape) striking a Victory Pose with one foot on the seat of the chair.

He has pinioned his foe — presumably a dirty villain — under his boot to arrest and disable him — to prevent future treachery by the evil-doer.  Their body positions and expressions just scream Dominant and Submissive — beautiful job by both competitors!

So when done properly, adding a chair to the mix can be a real turn-on, at least for this wrestling fan.  Just be careful in there boys, we don’t want anybody getting hurt or brain damaged…