Whatcha Watchin?

I was chatting with one of my wrestling jerk-off buddies online recently, as one does, and he mentioned he was enjoying a classic match on YouTube at that very moment. So I says to him, I says: “Whatcha watchin?” and he responded with this link:


I clicked his link and saw that it was Terry Allen (later known as “Magnum TA”) wrestling Kelly Kiniski. I could tell right away why my buddy was enjoying this match: young, swole, hairy-chested Magnum TA on display in those skimpy aqua briefs, are you kidding me?! It’s a wrestle-perv’s wet dream!

If you watch pro wrestling for the fast-paced acrobatics (and not for the sexy dudes rolling around in minimal clothing), then this match may seem a bit boring. It’s a slow-paced Chess Game without a lot of the running, jumping and flipping you may be accustomed to. Structurally, this 12-minute bout breaks down into three distinct and balanced sections:

  • First 5 minutes: Allen applies repeated Headlocks that Kiniski must gradually figure out how to escape and block.
  • Second 5 minutes: Kiniski applies repeated Headscissors that Allen must gradually figure out how to escape and block.
  • Final 2 minutes: They fight back and forth to determine a winner.

And NOW I know for sure why my buddy is so into this match! These fucking Headscissors by Kelly Kiniski are gorgeous! And Terry Allen squirms around beautifully, really giving us a show! Sometimes he arches his hips off the mat to present his lean physique for our viewing pleasure and sometimes he rolls onto his knees to put his fine ass on display in his snug little speedo. Delightful!

This is the style of wrestling I grew up enjoying (especially when nobody else was home), where Stud A simply scissors Stud B’s head between his legs for a good long time. Each time Stud B escapes, Stud A finds a way to clamp that Scissors on again and we’re back in business. Clearly my buddy gets off on this same style of wrestling! (He has great taste in wrestling and wrestlers, I can confirm.)

Back in the early 1980’s when this match aired, the homo-eroticism inherent in man-on-man wrestling was less concealed than it is today. For example, Kiniski’s grinding push-ups (see above) are about as close to mimicking sex as you can get without actually fucking. But today, the mainstream wrestling audience is too astute, too out-spoken, to not clock these really gay moments. So old school pro wrestling has been outed as a queer performance meant to turn guys on. Sexually provocative holds like Scissors have needed to unfortunately disappear underground.

And THAT (thank God!) is where you can still find plenty of Scissors and other hot holds — in Underground wrestle-porn videos. Our cups really runneth over these days because, for a small fee, these producers will give you all the Scissoring you can handle, filmed in well-lit high definition with the camera zoomed right in on their strained faces and buff physiques. It’s even better than the old timey, low budget wrestling programs that aired on television which had to maintain at least some decency and decorum to remain on the air.

For example, this Kelly Kiniski scissor-fest that my buddy turned me on to was a rare gem. You’d have to sit through hours of not-that-hot wrestling content to eventually find one mind-blowing masterpiece like Magnum TA squirming around in Kiniski’s scissor. It was like digging through a big Cracker Jack box in search of the treasure. But nowadays, companies like Wrestler4Hire will employ Garrett Thomas to Headscissor the fuck out of Mark Muscle for about a half hour for example and it’s like having a whole boxful of treasures with a rare Cracker Jack here or there.

Anyway, back to Terry Allen’s torture scene…

We get to see Terry Allen in Scissor trouble for a wonderful 5 minutes, unable to break free of Kiniski’s crushing legs. Poor heroic Allen is in trouble, presented as being out-matched and out-foxed. His Headlock, which was so effective in the first 5 minutes, has been bested by these killer Scissors. Legs are stronger than arms, after all.

So the story being told is that Terry Allen must figure a way out of this trap. If he wants to win — if he wants to redeem himself as our Hero — he must defeat Kiniski’s scissor. So we see him trying a number of escapes, such as standing on his head to slip free, only to be recaptured in the Scissor again. It’s a fun little Cat and Mouse scene, with Allen trying everything he can think of to get loose and Kiniski thwarting him at every turn. This creates a psychological tension which has an arousing effect on viewers eager to see hunky Terry Allen succeed.

There is a funny throw-back moment at 6:30 into the video when the commentator mentions that, lo and behold, for the first time ever, a YOUNG LADY is directing the program: Miss Jane Kerry-Patrick!! (Can you imagine?? A female director! Next they’ll want to be doctors or lawyers.) Then he says: “Atta girl, Jane!” which I’m sure was intended to celebrate and compliment her, but nowadays could get you slapped. Possibly with a lawsuit. My, how the world has changed since 1981!

Yet part of me wonders if the reason this match is so blatantly homo-erotic, if the reason the camera was permitted to linger on these two nearly-naked men entangled, is because a woman was directing the show. Perhaps she did not feel as threatened or anxious as a male director would to air footage of two dudes really going at it in a sexually suggestive fashion.

So thanks, wrestle-buddy, for this excellent link. It did the trick, let me tell you. And now I know exactly what I’m going to do to you when COVID is over and we start meeting again to wrestle around and watch videos.

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2 Responses to Whatcha Watchin?

  1. outfitter says:

    You’re right to bemoan the status of good, grind-down-your-opponent holds like the head scissors in today’s pro wrestling. It’s all about acrobatics and face or back-smashing power moves now. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I too have a soft spot for a well-executed head lock or hammer lock that gradually weakens your opponent and leads to a win rather than the quick, stunning moves that have become commonplace in today’s pro circuit.

  2. Dino says:

    Magnum arguably had the best set of hairy tits in pro wrestling at that time and probably at anytime.