Gallery 693
Facial Expressions



Do you know what your "Orgasm Face" looks like? Next time you're with your lover, ask him or her for a description. Trust me, they'll be happy to provide one, with the same sort of helpful and enthusaistic imitation they use when demonstrating your snoring for house guests and fellow bus stop patrons.



Most likely you'll see your partner twist his or her face into a pained grimace of soul-wrenching anguish, such as might be seen on a small woman who was giving birth to a luxury car. Most orgasm faces are wild, uncontrolled, and this is exactly what you want.

There are times when the sex is so fantastic you actually drop back a few evolutionary steps to bellow out the war cry of prehistoric man getting a hummer, and that's great. But that shouldn't be your only expression. Sometimes it's the look on your face that tips your lover over the edge and it's worthwhile to have a few in reserve.
The "I'm Trying So Hard Not to Come Too Fast" Orgasm Face

Yep, we've all tried to stop the inevitable. I've gone to desperate lengths upon realizing I was about to fall short of the pathetic two minute barrier. Visuals have included picturing my manhood on the guillotine block or my balls being rubbed furiously against a cheese grater. All to no avail. Once the tide builds, there's no turning it back. Just make sure you're ready to go again in about thirty seconds.
The "I'm Shitting My Pants This is So Intense" Orgasm Face

Ahh yes, the knee buckling-toe curler. The really intense ones are often inexplicable and usually catch you off-guard, which explains why this orgasm face is so special and treasured. It's typically accompanied by high-pitched huffing and puffing that could be confused by safari veterans as a hyena's mating call.

The "Porn Star" Orgasm Face

No matter what your usual orgasm face looks like, grimace like someone's got ahold of your nuts in a metal gauntlet. Lower your head, shut your eyes tightly, and grit your teeth. Now throw your head back, let your lips slide back until every tooth you own is visible, and cry out in a manly fashion exactly once. That's it, you're done, go get a shower.
The "Oh Shit the Condom Broke" Orgasm Face

It's amazing how fast a man crashes back to planet reality when this happens. You're cruising along at 35,000 feet in a state of heavenly bliss. So all-encompassing, in fact, that you don't even realize it's suddenly a helluva lot more sensitive down there. You’re wondering why? Because now you're bare-backing it, YOU HUGE FUCKING IDIOT.

Tell Louise at Planned Parenthood I said hello. She'll take good care of ya.

The Scream

Remember what Christopher Reeve looked like when he was Superman in the first movie and he hadn't stopped the missile in time and there were earthquakes and he'd just saved Jimmy and he found Lois but she was dead and he was too late and he takes a breath and screams loud enough to kill her if she wasn't dead already? That's the one.

You'll need that for the first time someone discovers your G-spot and/or prostate, especially if they have cold hands

The "Shock and Ohh" Orgasm Face

If you're going to lose control, this is the one to do it with. From this expression, not only is it obvious to the casual observer that you're wallowing in the greatest feeling you've ever had in your life, but you're not entirely sure you can stop now that you've started and one or the both of you may not survive the experience, and you don't care. Hard to describe, but you'll know it when you see it, after you come to and check the tape.
The "You're Just Another Notch On My Bedpost" Orgasm Face

This orgasm face is worn by the ultra-cocky alpha male who sleeps with his unsuspecting prey purely for the conquest. By the time the victim recognizes this face for what it is, it's too late and you're just another scalp hanging in his tee pee.

The "Sensitive Man Crying During Orgasm" Orgasm Face

If a man cries during sex for any reason other than having a reckless freak bouncing on his johnson and turning it into a T-square, he's a fucking loser.



The "Lotto Winner" Orgasm Face

This is the unbelievably happy, open-mouthed grin of a person who can't comprehend their good fortune, the one that makes you look as if any minute now you're going to yodel. Think of the hysterical housewives on "The Price is Right" when they win a car, or the teenage girls in old Beatles newsreels. Ideal for your first time, or for your first time with someone you'll admit to publicly.

The "Oh My God I Just Dominated You" Orgasm Face

This face involuntarily comes over the frat boy who gets laid once every three semesters. You don’t get to see it for very long because he’ll be sprinting out of the room to go tell his "brothers" about it. If you happen to recognize this face, congrats, you're sleeping with one of the most insecure tools on the planet. You're either very unattractive or have no self-respect. I'm guessing it's a combination of both.


The "Joan of Arc" Orgasm Face

A "Joan" is what you have during a religious experience. An expression of wonder, of blissful joy, of transcendent pleasure enfolding the Divine, as if in the final moments of your lovemaking you were abruptly touched by God, which is a pretty freaky thought all by itself. An excellent expression for the romantic, it's often seen during a person's first encounter with oral sex.
The "I'm So Excited to be Getting Laid" Orgasm Face

Seen annually in roadside motels on prom nights all across the nation.



The "Clincher" Orgasm Face

So called because this one is guaranteed to utterly melt the heart and crotchal region of anyone. Just as you feel the edge of the orgasm hit, quietly but forcefully say your lover's name to get their attention and then maintain eye contact as you spasm, letting your lover see exactly the effect their actions are having on you. Keep your eyes open the whole time and try to keep your expression under control; the combination is devastating. Avoid using it during encounters when eye contact is problematic, when there's more than four people involved, or if your loved one doesn't actually know you and they've just found you standing by their car in the grocery store parking lot.

The "I Get Laid So Much That I’m Actually Sick of Sex" Orgasm Face

Seen on rock stars, athletes and movie stars’ faces all across the country. In that exact pecking order. This orgasm face is the result of having procured so much ass that the thought of getting laid makes you yawn with indifference. I can think of no worse state of affairs. But getting to that point would be one sick fucking ride (pun absolutely intended).


The "Yeeee Haaaa!! This is the Best Sex Ever" Orgasm Face

You could be lying naked on a bed of burning embers and have no fucking idea that your flesh was cooking. Top five symptoms accompanying this orgasm face:

1. Total cognitive failure and the stoppage of time.
2. Drool trickling out of the corner of your mouth and down your chin.
3. Epileptic seizure-like body convulsions.
4. Severe muscle cramping in the hamstrings and abdominal region.
5. Eyeballs spinning like slot machines.

The "What-the"

An expression of total and flabbergasted surprise, like you'd get from a person who kicked a snowball and wiped out a ski lodge. The effect you want here is the expression that what you're currently experiencing came out of nowhere and completely snuck up on you. Very handy for pretending that you never knew you were turned on by latex undergarments, or that you had no clue your premature ejaculation was going to happen before you even signed the motel register.

The "Earnhardt"

The triumphant face of a winner after a long and physically demanding ordeal, especially those that require goggles. Characterized by good sportsmanship, a determined grin, a cocky attitude, a lot of sweat, and the intense stare of a person white-water rafting through a canyon pass without a paddle. Peter North uses this one a lot.

The "Aiken"

The kind of face you make when you're nervously enjoying your first gut-wrenching orgasm after major surgery; you're loving what's happening but you're not confident enough in the integrity of your stitches to really let go. This is the one you use for quiet, intimate moments, like when your parents are still awake. Also often experienced by people trying to do the Scream when they don't look like Chris Reeve.

The "Bonus" Orgasm Face

The delighted, slightly stunned and very grateful expression of someone who clearly hadn't expected the second orgasm.