Gallery 662
Slim Jim
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Back in the 1960's, Superman's pal Jimmy
Olsen had his own comic book. The artist must have enjoyed watching
Pro Wrestling, because he put Jimmy Olsen in the ring on several occasions,
including Issue #96 from September 1966, where Jimmy was known as "Atlas"
Olsen.
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It seems Jimmy met an alien woman named Galora
who fell in love with him and gave him a Dyna-Power comb which gives him
super strength and larger muscles. She doesn't even bitch when Jimmy
calls her "doll", "kitten", and "baby" so apparently Women's Lib hasn't happened
yet on her planet.
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Now that the magic comb has given Jimmy
a muscular body, he climbs into the wrestling ring shirtless. His
first opponent, the Fiend, likes to electrocute his victims, but Jimmy uses
his new strength to shock the Fiend and unmask him.
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Next
shirtless Jimmy faces the dreaded Viking, who is permitted to wear a helmet
with sharp horns and carry a mace into the ring. Didn't they have
rules against "foreign objects" in this federation?
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But Jimmy's
huge muscles allow him to dominate the Viking, as he bashes the helmet down
over the barbarian's eyes to defeat him. Jimmy might now be stronger
than Superman himself!
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Next the promoter, who must
pay $1,000 in charity each time Jimmy wins, sends in a group of neaderthals
called the Cavemen. They bring clubs and even a tomahawk into the
ring, but Jimmy easily wrecks all three of them.
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Galora is proud of her
man for getting all that charity money from the angry promoter, and she
wants to take him home and fuck him. But for some reason, Jimmy is
more interested in getting to work on writing up this story in the Daily
Planet.
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In Issue #111 (June 1968),
Jimmy's professor friend gave him a serum that made his body elastic. Now
he could climb back in the ring and stretch his body into all kinds of shapes
to entangle and entrap his opponents.
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Jimmy
went to watch the wrestling matches that night, but became angry when he
realized that pro wrestling is fake. He saw that Mac the Martian allowed
his fake teeth to be knocked out, and that Totem Tom was wearing a wig when
his hair was pulled out by the beefy heel! Jimmy rushes home to drink
some elastic serum and teach these cheaters a lesson!
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Jimmy walks quickly back to the
arena thanks to his long legs that are now three stories high. The crooked
promoter decides to put him in the ring with the hairy Abominable Snowman.
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When
Jimmy begins stretching his body in all directions, the promoter realizes
he is drinking elastic serum. The Snowman locks Jimmy in a Full Nelson,
but Jimmy is able to reach up and pull ice cubes out of a drink, which he
rubs on the Snowman's bare back to escape the hold.
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Jimmy defeats the Snowman in an
interesting Boston Crab, so the promoter sends the Gladiator, a muscular masked
stud, into the ring. When the sexy Gladiator asks the fans for Thumbs
Up or Thumbs Down, meaning he should kill Jimmy Olsen, they all scream for
Jimmy's death.
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But Jimmy is able to stretch into
a tight-rope to make the Gladiator fall. Then he wraps his body around
the Gladiator's muscular torso like a Boa Constrictor to pin him. So
now the promoter sends the evil Bee in, because he doesn't want to pay $5,000
to charity if Jimmy wins for a whole hour.
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The Bee embraces Jimmy chest to chest and begins stinging him
with a stinger. Apparently the Bee has a sharp object that paralyzes
poor Jimmy, but the crooked ref won't stop this dirty cheating. Jimmy
decides to get kinky with the Bee, licking him all over and tangling him up
with that stretchy tongue, which allows Jimmy to win.
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Next Jimmy faces an agile stud
with a nice body called "Tumbler Ted." Jimmy can't seem to lay a hand
on this high-flying gymnast who bounces around the ring.
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When the hunky Tumbler tries
to swing from the chandelier, Jimmy surprises him by stretching up and looking
him right in the eye.
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Jimmy catches the falling
Tumbler using his fingers as a net, which he also uses to trap and defeat
the stud. The cheap-ass promoter calls for yet another wrestler to battle
Jimmy Olsen.
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Rudy the Reindeer has a very shiny nose and sharp antlers on
his head, which he can use to gore his victims.
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Jimmy
narrowly avoids being rammed by the horny wrestler, who rushes between Jimmy's
long legs. Nice body on the Reindeer as well, this artist seems to enjoy
muscular bodies and tight wrestling gear.
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Since
the reindeer reminds him of Christmas, Jimmy forms his body into a ribbon
and ties the stud up like a present. Once again, Jimmy is the winner,
using his body to entangle the other man's body for the ultimate body contact,
tieing the other man in knots.
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Next big Goliath
enters the ring, swinging a sword at Jimmy while shouting "Feel my blade!"
Jimmy removes the big man's sandal just before being stomped into the
mat.
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Jimmy stuns Goliath
by flinging the sandal in his face similar to the sling used by David to defeat
the original Goliath. Goliath falls helplessly to the mat, apparently knocked
out cold by the powerful blow from the sandal.
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Jimmy foolishly left his elastic serum
unguarded, so the evil promoter snatches the serum, leaving plain water intead.
Jimmy celebrates his victories with some cocky poses, unaware of the promoters
dirty trick.
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The
promoter gives the serum to Jimmy's final opponent, the Ugly Superman, who
wears a costume similar to Jimmy's best pal, the handsome Superman.
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Jimmy no longer has elastic powers, but
he is able to stretch Ugly Superman's nose and leg to distract him, hopefully
until the entire hour is over and he wins the match.
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Jimmy recalls that his pal,
the real Superman, will soon be soaring over the stadium after being shot
from a cannon (???) so he whips the elastic serum in the air, tricking Ugly
Superman into chasing it.
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Right on schedule, the real Superman flies
over, and his air currents blow the Ugly Superman down into the ring like
a typhoon, where Jimmy quickly pins the villain for the final victory.
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But the hottest match from
Jimmy Olsen's wrestling career was Issue 82 from January 1965, when he humiliated
his pal Superman in the ring, and the fans were shocked.
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Now Jimmy's friend Professor Potter created
a serum that gave Jimmy super strength. The comic begins with Jimmy
bragging about how he's "besting Superman" while Superman groans in pain and
begs for mercy.
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Jimmy agrees to wrestle Superman in the
pro ring. Little does anyone know that Jimmy just chugged a bottle
of the serum that gives him unbeatable strength! It's like the performance
enhancing drugs that baseball players use to hit more home runs.
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Cocky Superman whispers in Jimmy's ear that,
although he can't possibly allow Jimmy to win, he will try to go easy. Jimmy
isn't concerned, since he knows the serum will allow him to wipe up the mat
with Superman's handsome face.
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Everyone is shocked when Jimmy over-powers
the Man of Steel, forcing Superman down to his knees with a painful Arm Lock.
I wonder if any of the young readers were getting excited at this point
by Superman's helplessness!
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One artist enjoyed this issue so much, he
created a computer image of Jimmy Olsen discovering Superman's secret identity,
choking his pal, then whipping him over the ropes like a sack of garbage,
while the shocked announcer describes Superman's defeat.
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Next he shows us a frustrated Superman pounding
the mat and begging for mercy in front of all his fans, while the announcer
continues to talk about how Jimmy "humiliated him."
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Jimmy sits on his pal's back and brutally
twists his boot, causing Superman to cry out for mercy. This is revenge
for all the times Superman was pushy, ordering Jimmy around like a slave or
treating him like a boy.
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Poor
Superman is forced to submit to his little boy-toy, the ultimate humiliation
for the Man of Steel. Jimmy Olsen, looking sexy in his spandex suit,
has won a bet with his boss, which he will again donate to charity.
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"Muscles" Olsen celebrates, laughing
in Superman's face as he takes over as the Alpha Male in their relationship.
Poor Superman is forced to admit that Jimmy is the better man. What
a pussy he turned out to be!
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The two men shake
hands as the stunned crowd cheers for Jimmy Olsen, the new big man on campus.
Jimmy justifies his use of illegal steroids by pointing out that a
whopping $100 will be given to charity.
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Later Jimmy continues to boast about his
victory, while Superman tries to figure out what drugs Jimmy used to gain
that incredible strength.
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Jimmy
loves punishing the Man of Steel. He again applies a painful armlock,
forcing Superman to beg for mercy. I think sadistic Jimmy gets off
on bullying his former master.
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